I don't want to appear manic, but perhaps it will be apparent. I have not gone to sleep yet. I have officially been up for 23 hours. This might not surprise the well-versed insomniac, but for me, it is different. This is what I did as an undergraduate. This is what I did for my work, my papers, my professors, but really for me. I might have been burnt out most of my MA degree. But that did not seem to stop me. I worry about stopping. For if I stop, what will happen?
The city of 2 is safe. There is no glass on the ground. There is a quiet neighborhood. But I have seen it get wild on occasions. I have seen it dangerous. But, I must say I feel safe tonight/this morning/now. Yet, there is always a yet. I worry about tomorrow/today/now. I must get some sleep. Because if I don't this could mean a hospitalization. This could mean worse. I am not saying the hospital is bad, I am saying it could get worse than being in a hospital. But this is basic stuff, right? Sleep regulation is so critical to a mood disorder.
The thing is I am aware. But how much better is my awareness if I am to be spinning out of control? I have control, but where is it? I have been doing my breathing exercises. Deep breath 1 2 3 exhale 1 2 3. Regular breath 1 2 3 exhale 1 2 3. And so on.
But I can't stop the raciness. The urge for something, anything to fill my spirits. I am not talking about R's voices or sensations or "thoughts" as they particularly like to refer to them as. I am talking about me. About my stability, my essence. My spirits. How can I attain this? It's painful and brings me much ache to not be able to sleep. To wonder if sleep was ever possible. But of course it is, I have done it on so many occasions. Almost every night of this past six months. Why tonight? Why tonight when I need sleep more than anything--can't I sleep?
I am getting angry now. Angry to a mild degree. But I feel it in my heart beat. That this is not the way. I should be asleep. I get self-conscious, and then angry, and then paranoid. It is rather discontenting (for search of a better word).
I don't want to bore you all. I know perhaps a few of you have been here before. Perhaps not. But I feel like crying, but my tear ducts are dry. I am staring at a screen and typing. This is what I am doing. This is what I want to do on a lighter occasion.
For I know when this mood passes, I will be dried up like my tear ducts. I will not be able to cry with my body any longer. I will not be able to laugh so hard I cry. I will be dull. I will be unmotivated. I won't be functioning and I won't be able to write you.
The anger builds up inside of me now. It is probably making my face a hibiscus color-- purplish red? Can that count for a hibiscus color? Yes, I googled it and the answer is yes (according to google)....
The 2 city is breaking morning mist and an almost sunshine. I try too hard with the metaphors, I suppose. Regardless, I am just so desperate to sleep. I want to drive but I have banned myself from my vehicle as well as coffee and any sort of caffeine.
Maybe I will try again. I feel motivated.
Note: I do take low dosages of anti-psychotics as well as an antidepressant. I just thought I should state that for the record. This was prompted by why thank you paranoia.
Friday, 17 May 2013
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Quick update: I have mellowed out a bit. I have eaten some hearty food, drank water, rested and relaxed.
ReplyDeleteFor some the answer may be more medications or a dosage adjustment. For me, this is an option. But I am trying to do the best I can to avoid this, if possible. In other words, if I were to see Doctor, I would say "I challenge you to treat me without increasing my medication". Thoughts? Does anyone else get this resistant to medication increases?
I'm glad you mellowed out; this was … a wee bit worrying to read.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I am so early in trying to treat (again) at all, so that anything the psychiatrist wants to try, I'll go along with to see if it works. If medication works and the side effects are manageable, all the better! Once we notice that the standard approach isn't working, that's when it's time to look for alternatives.
Then again, I am so very much milder affected than you. YMMV and indeed it will.
Yes, I can only imagine it was difficult. It wasn't all that difficult to write, however. I am able to distance myself while writing. Or perhaps it was dissociation. One way or the other, I was able to make it through the early morning and now day time hours.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the medications, I am suffering from severe tardive dyskinesia on my left side of my body from too high doses of a certain mood stabilizer.
This is upsetting to mostly family members. I don't even notice it until someone mentions it.
Duuras I wanted to welcome you again. I was brief in my initial welcome because what you are writing about is a long way outside my experience.
ReplyDeleteI just read this comment from you and was reminded of the blog slogan "Somewhere you can talk about it." I think if this is a safe home for you to write that is excellent and exactly what we want. Whether it is comfortable reading for us and others or not.
Thank you, Ian. Thank you, really. This has been such a warm and welcoming invite from all of you....
ReplyDeleteHi Duuras, also wanted to ditto Ian's comments. I don't know much about your condition, and I think talking about your experiences here is enlightening. Would love to hear more from you
ReplyDeleteThanks chantal. You all are equally engaging and enlightening ;-)
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work.