Consider this text about high-functioning depression:
So high functioning depression is cool, right: I can do my job? Well, not so much. This year I have been much happier than for a while. And in the first few weeks of the year, apart from starting this blog with Mikael, I've got involved in helping the community save the youth theatre group my kids take part in, and am winding up to launch onto an unsuspecting world the most ambitious project of my career so far. All of these have seemed far easier than I expected, perhaps because I haven't been worrying about them, just either doing them or not. Maybe of course that is overconfidence, but in the past I have noticed a high correlation between when I'm confident and when I do my best work: not necessarily by best work technically but my most ambitious work.
Tidied up today, but basically written a few weeks ago: I've been wanting to write about this for a while and finding it hard to publish.
Just at the minute I'm not so cheerful as I was when I wrote that. It's interesting to me that I read it now and think negative thoughts automatically. I'm not actually that miserable now, maybe a 2 on my 10 point scale. But I read that text and think "I haven't been writing many posts for this blog, that's rubbish." And "this project is probably rubbish and anyway I'm not the right person to do it."
It almost but not quite reads like text written by somebody else.
The same way you use your scale metaphor to get a grip on your depression, I tend to talk about my Three Moods, and their accompanying different world views.
ReplyDeleteEverything changes depending on my being depressed, manic, or baseline.
My memories? Different.
My perception? Different.
My internal modeling of friends, family, and strangers? Different.
My self-esteem, my self-image? Different.
I have very few reasons to believe I am actually entirely the same person while in the midst of an episode as I am while at my baseline. A similar person, sure. The same, not even close.