Friday, 13 April 2018

Mental health and making things better in the university

I've been posting a lot on twitter recently, and this thread of tweets is bang on the topic of Depressed Academics, so am posting it here unedited.


Half an hour ago I posted a tweet and I've just deleted it. Mini thread. 1/
4:19 PM - 13 Apr 2018
     

    1. New conversation
    1.  2 hours ago
      The tweet was extremely critical of management. But I don't want anyone to think that anyone asked me to delete it or hinted that would be a good idea. Please be assured if they had I would tell you :) 2/
      1 reply1 like


    2.  2 hours ago
      Also I stand by the opinions expressed in that tweet. It IS vital that we hold university management to account. Including 3/


    3.  2 hours ago
      And I think most in St Andrews who are the slightest bit interested in my opinions know how negative they are. Indeed I wrote a short piece yesterday which is not online but I'm happy to pass on to anyone at St Andrews who wants to see it. 4/


    4.  2 hours ago
      But ... apparently I'm not as brave as I thought I was when I posted the tweet. I AM scared of negative effects on me if I had left it up, but not because of retribution direct or indirect from management. 5/


    5.  2 hours ago
      The negative effects are those on my mental health. Ok this is going to sound SO FAKE (you have been warned). I just care too much about things being right in St Andrews. 6/
      1 reply1 like





    6.  2 hours ago
      Interlude to pass the swearbox for me to pay in to crass interview answers. What's your biggest flaw: "I care too much". aaargh. ok on with thread 7/ 


    7.  2 hours ago
      But yes it's true. I have several times come close to nervous breakdown through trying to fix things at St Andrews when I thought they were wrong. 8/


    8.  2 hours ago
      First time was when leading the Athena SWAN case for the School of Computer Science. I just couldn't get through to people that things needed to change. Failing to do that pushed me right up to the edge until my friends including head of school pulled me back. 9/


    9.  2 hours ago
      But kudos to everyone involved they did pull me back and also I think that helped get the message through - after that I'm not saying things are perfect but do feel there is a real appetite for change 10/


    10.  2 hours ago
      Next time was during the Professorial Pay Review and arguing with management about the result, both personally and trying to get through the many flaws in the process I'd identified. I did one day go home wondering if I would ever walk into the building again. 11/

    11.  2 hours ago
      Again friend and head of school tried to pull me back, I think less successfully, but Christmas came along and the doctor increased my dose of prozac, and I seemed to be ok again. (And eventually I got a stonking big pay rise which was nice). 12/
      1 reply1 like



    12.  2 hours ago
      Overlapping with that was trying to help with the university Athena SWAN case. We have a glorious 600 year history of sexism so help was desperately needed. This time I never got any impression the help I wanted to give was desired. 13/
      1 reply2 likes



    13.  2 hours ago
      And of course the strike is super tough on all of us. And me. And the last couple of weeks have been much the worst bit for me (and I suspect for others). Last week was getting pretty bad though not as close to nervous breakdown as other times. 14/


    14.  2 hours ago
      So long story short. What am I scared of that made me delete that tweet? It's that the obvious answer to "what are you going to do about it" is "what do you think we should do". 15/
      1 reply1 like 


    15.  2 hours ago
      That would be an entirely reasonable question and I would love to be the kind of person who could answer it calmly. 16/


    16.  2 hours ago
      But I aint that person. So I also aint the person who can lead the charge in holding our university to account. Because it might push me closer than the edge than I want to go. 17/


    17.  2 hours ago
      So summary. An hour ago I posted a tweet. I stand by the content but deleted it because I was scared. Not scared of what anyone else would do to me if I left it up, but of what I would do to myself in worrying about it. And no, this was not in any sense a mini-thread. 18/18
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